Before you hold your family meeting, be sure you know the type of meeting you want to have. Do you envision the meeting as a general discussion on one or more topics which are undecided, or more of a "Here is what we have decided to do" kind of session? For example, one client was considering a generation-skipping trust to hold the family business stock, but was uncertain about how the next-generation adult children would view that planning option.

We recommended a family meeting to discuss ownership succession using the trust concept. After the next generation adult children understood how the trust would work, they supported it, and the parents' decision was made easier. However, some families prefer only to inform the next generation about planning decisions that have already been made, rather than seeking input.

Some families describe their meetings as successful sessions and others describe them as disasters. One family hired me on the condition of "no more family meetings" after the previous family business consultants had held a series of failed meetings.

With that in mind, here is an outline of how to organize a successful meeting and mistakes to avoid.

Who is involved: Some families decide to include in-laws and some don't. If you decide to exclude in-laws, at least have one or more general business sessions that include them. An inclusive process is generally more successful than an exclusive one.

In-laws (like it or not) are part of the family--excluding them entirely can make them feel like second-class citizens and create conflict. If you have disruptive in-laws (or family members), consider using a facilitator to run the meeting. The family attorney or CPA can be invited to provide technical assistance (explaining estate planning documents or income tax issues) but should not run the meeting.

Where to have the meeting: Family meetings should be structured so there are no outside interruptions--cell phones turned off, babysitters committed to take care of young children so parents can focus on the meeting. Some families hold the meeting offsite (e.g. a nearby resort) to combine some R&R with the business portion.

What to do in advance: Have a written agenda so a variety of topics can be covered with sufficient time allocated to each topic. Consider giving out assignments to different family members in advance so there can be several presentations. For example, one client assigns the "state of the business" report to next-generation family members active in senior management roles. Another family member talks about family philanthropy. A third covers family history. The best meetings include more than just business topics and involve different generations in the presentations.

Who should run the meeting: There is a tendency to think that mom or dad should run the meeting, but that may not be the best decision--especially if you want to stimulate discussion and healthy family debate. If you want to use a democratic process, mom or dad may be too parental or too intimidating to some of the next generation members to get them to open up (especially the quieter ones).

Consider using a facilitator who can keep the meeting running on schedule--one who can draw out all family members but also can act as referee when necessary. Advance planning means talking to folks in advance of the meeting to find out if there are some issues that need to be addressed and whether some one-on-one work (before the meeting) is necessary.

Topics to avoid: If you are going to bring up "hot" topics at the meeting, don't surprise or blindside family members. Be sure they know in advance that the topic will arise and the purpose of the discussion (e.g., reach consensus or compromise, etc). One client decided to "inform" a daughter (with no advance warning) that she would not be allowed to be a shareholder in the family business (in front of the rest of the family) and then was surprised when the meeting exploded. Difficult subjects can be addressed but must be properly managed and presented with a lot of advance preparation.

A well-run family meeting can become a regular annual or semi-annual event that improves communication and keeps the family emotionally connected. The positive outcomes include keeping family members informed about business strategies, risks and accomplishments; creating a forum to discuss important issues; educating family members about the responsibilities associated with the family business or the family's wealth; and perpetuating family values. As with any meeting, the better organized you are the greater the likelihood the meeting will come off as planned.